I was a reluctant father. It wasn't always that way, but when Peta and I did fall pregnant it was certainly a shock. In my youth and all through my twenties I simply assumed parenthood to be part of life's journey - find a job, get married, buy a house and start a family. However as my thirties drew closer, and impending parenthood loomed, I became less and less sure of the role it would play in my life. Unfortunately, this train of thought did not bode well, and caused many years of fractured health; a journey through which many lessons were learnt.

Distinctly, I still remember when Peta told me we were expecting. No more prepared for parenthood than I had been prior, I was stunned (I never had taken biology in high school). Earlier that day I had been told about the passing of my grandfather - the first time a death in the family had completely rocked me. Now the contrast to the loss, new life. Instead of embracing my wife and weeping for joy, I was silent, non-supportive and generally an asshole. I left the house and walked. It rained, and I walked - for hours. This wasn't the way to react, I knew that, but I was so confronted by the news I didn't know what else to do.

The reason for my negativity was doubt. It felt at that point that almost everything I touched turned to shit. This wasn't the case, but it was the way I was thinking - how dare I doom a child to a life under the care of a failure. Additionally, I was concerned about the universe we were now bringing a child into. No longer the sense of community that once existed, but rather  hatred and prejudice - inequality abounded. What if my child didn't fit in, what if they felt the same self doubt I did? I wouldn't wish that onto anyone. Selfishness was also a concern, not just that of society, but also my own. I like my own time, my own space, me, me, me..... isn't parenthood about putting the needs of others first.

The next seven months passed, with varying levels of enthusiasm and engagement, cycling through the positive emotions and negative thoughts, until it was time to bring new life into the world. Like all first time parents we were apprehensive.

I was 37, surely I am too old to be a parent. By the time she is a teenager I will be 50, how will we all cope.

And then, Charli was born....

If ever there was a case of a man being saved by a child, this was it. My daughter helped redefine the concept of love. The amazing capability of my wife to nurture and care for our child also redefined the foundations of how I viewed my universe. Of course it isn't all smooth sailing; we are tired, we get frustrated and don't even get me started on all the colds and illnesses we share around the house. But for the first time in as long as I could remember my focus was external, rather than internal. I couldn't waste countless hours stuck in my own head, dwelling on the past - somebody needed me. A new purpose had been uncovered, and my own sense of self could now be measured in the love and care I provided to my family, and that which I felt sincerely returned by them.

Since her birth, we have grown as a family. We exist well as a unit, complimenting each other, adventuring together, and never is there any shortage of love. Recently we sat together on the back deck, watching the sun set and I told my girls that I had never felt a happiness like this before - I didn't want anything to ever change.

Yet, here we go again! A boy is on the way, a sibling for Charli, a new challenge for Peta, and an opportunity for me to right some wrongs. Enthusiasm isn't an adjective those in the know would usually associate with me - so no doubt they are surprised with my present demeanour. I cannot wait to decorate a room, to think of a name, to hold Peta's hand, or see the look on Charli's face as she meets her little brother for the first time. We are in a good place, I am in a good place, and I want to thank everyone who has stuck by me to help us get here.