When people talk about the turbulence that life can sometimes bring, they will often liken it to being on a roller coaster. For me, I tend to think of it more as a carousel. There are definitely ups and downs as our fibreglass thoroughbred steeds make their way, but the amplitude of these peaks and troughs is set, with any deviation from centre usually within the limits we have experienced in the past. Remember this, as it is highly unlikely any high or low will exceed our capacity for survival. However, the motion of the carousel is not only up and down, but also rotational- bringing us round to familiar places time and time again. Sometimes upon arrival we will be ascending, other times trending downwards.

Confused

I enjoy the ups and downs, they help me to know I am alive and to appreciate the highlights. This sensation is ongoing and I feel comfort knowing that for every down there is an up, maturity has me better equipped to deal with the subsequent decline. Where the merry-go-round analogy starts to frustrate me is the going in circles, revisiting challenges that I have encountered before and yet here they are again, still challenges, still causing hurt. How many times does a ride need to repeat itself before the negative instances evolve to take on new form?

Historically, when I have become too dizzy from this pattern I have just hopped off, retreated to the ride line and waited. In doing this all up and down ceased to exist, I was safe, secure and beige. Giving up the thrill of life didn't result in any increased comfort, but rather an ever increasing yearning to get back on the ride. At this point I will deviate from the metaphor and get a little less cryptic.

I like life. I like being involved. I like feeling.

Being outdoors, spending time with friends, watching a good movie, eating a great meal - but I also have this obsessive personality where I go all in, get exhausted and retreat. I lose count of the number of friends I have alienated over the years because I was there one minute and completely gone the next (moving overseas without warning will do that). Weekends got to the point where they were terrifying, knowing we would be invited somewhere and I simply didn't understand how to say 'no'. Withdrawing for months on end into the sanctity of home and my beloved wife is a pattern that repeats time and time again. This isn’t a solution though, and it is unfair of me to expect Peta to be everything and everyone to me - I need to take ownership of my emotions and my relationships need to be greater than n = 1. So after a period of time I slowly but surely reach out to friends, begin socialising again, finding real joy in the company of others, until the inevitable crash.

Interests follow the same cycle. What are my hobbies? What do I even like doing? I would sit and think about these things, invest hours on thinking and very little on doing, until I thought I had the answer and then, once again all chips would make their way to the middle of the table. This singular activity would receive all my attention, energy and resource until the guilt would set in. Shit.... I am ignoring my wife, my friends, my family - once again time to hop off and return to the waiting game.

As with the ups and downs of the carousel, there is a need to find my range. I often think about how we approach personal change, frequently with a complete about face, when years of existence would suggest we weren’t that far off course in the first instance. In the past I have tried making lists of things I could do each day or week, aiming to maintain a balance. I have added reminders to calendars to prompt me into undertaking activities that would help calm my mind. Alas none of these have really resulted in any long-term outcomes, and so I continue to cycle through life's peaks and troughs.

Morose and unnecessary as these reflections may seem, it is important for me to acknowledge the processes and habits that dictate my emotions. Recognising what is happening and perhaps cutting it off or tempering the amplitude are the only options.

Next post won’t be so introspective, even the repeating nature of that theme makes me tired. Feel free to suggest topics or ask questions that you'd like answered.

Thank you for reading, tolerating and indulging me. Sincerely.